Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.