ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
That’s fair
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie