sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
#dnd #ttrpg
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton