The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.