Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life