ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer