Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.