Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now