Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too