Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
WHY?!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.