Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
You Might Also Like
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
You better watch out
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time