ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Dietest Coke
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?