ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.