me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Raisins are grape jerky.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.