ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.