Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*