Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
You Might Also Like
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
knights of the ikea table
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”