me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly