me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”