Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Every work call, he judges.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I put the hot in psychotic.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
the three genders
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The big book of baby names but for safe words