Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
No regrets in 2018
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know