Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Beards are a privilege, not a right
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy