ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
this has done me in for some reason
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.