ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age