Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Seems legit
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.