Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
⛄️
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”