me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Don’t we all.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.