I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
You know…for fall…