Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Sign at work today
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.