Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Encore…
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”