Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Saturday
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?