[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)