me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
me hitting on a model
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.