me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.