Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.