Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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#StillHurts
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
my retirement plan is braless
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Dead sexy!!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.