Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
You Might Also Like
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
we all know this pain all too well
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.