me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Do not steal food from the science building!
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?