me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Best mom ever 😂
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My inexpensive home security system…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I wish this was real life…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.