ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens