Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
You Might Also Like
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.