@markydoodoo: Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn't text u back babe I was grounded.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*
@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
@imteddybless: us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
@doktorj: Me: *pooping with the door open* Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."