Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
plums roundup
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I don’t make the rules sorry