@IvoryGazelle: do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil' dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@DaddyBeerGuy: Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

@nbadag: DATE: [whispering in my ear] i've got a secret ME: [also whispering] is it tacos DATE: [giggles] no ME: can it be tacos

@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]

@bigmacher: I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.