STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died