Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin