me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry