Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
(yawn)
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
get you a girl who
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*