Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no