Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”