ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I WON A HAM TODAY
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”