me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Feel. He’s so soft.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
good morning
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.