Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals